tuesday, june 28
dear neighbor,
you politely asked me to take care of your tomato plant while you were away for the long weekend since we share access to the the south terrace. i did not do it! why? because i like you but you never talk to me (the only time you really talked to me was on tuesday because of the watering your tomatoes thing) and i feel like after the nice things i have done for you and because of my adoration towards you (with nothing in return), i don’t really get why i should take care of your fruits (vegetables?). once i had bought too much fertilizer so i left it with a note for you so you could use it. another time, my mother brought me a loaf of banana bread and i only ate half of it so i put it in some foil-wrap and left it on your door with a note that explained that my mom made it and i couldn’t finish it and that maybe you’d like it. you never even said thankyou! and i know you have a boyfriend because i hear you two, but i don’t know what you see in him. his moustache is uneven and he wears dark blue loafers.
when you arrive today you will see there is no tomato plant. i took the two ripe tomatoes and smushed them over my pasta, delicious. and the plant itself, along with the 8 or 9 hanging un-ripe green tomatos i hurled through the window and it coincidentally hit your cat and killed it. i’m glad your tomato plant is gone but i feel a bit bad about the cat.
cordially,
john from apartment 3c
back in dry california and i feel like some tomatoes
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